By now, everyone is familiar with the red blotch that appears on Peyton Manning’s forehead after he removes his helmet. Obviously, these blotches appear because of the padding inside Manning’s helmet. Or does it? …
Just for fun … let’s get some wagering into precisely what time we’ll see this mysterious red forehead blotch appear during the Dallas Cowboys vs. Denver Broncos broadcast on Sunday. I’m thinking … early in the second quarter.
I have a theory … along with several questions. Is it possible that Peyton Manning’s brain actually grows during the course of a game? Does his helmet have a pump for inflatable pads? Does it glow in the dark? Does it get redder as Eli gets more overshadowed? Is he able to communicate with aliens? Does he emit radiation for opposing players? Does he have a twin that’s trying to escape from within?
I digress. Back to my theory. Bare with me. I think this relates to the Big Bang, somehow. Sure scientist have their version, but let’s consider this. I believe that there is a unique combination of molecular activity (accelerated by beer/hotdog expulsion gasses) that occur during every football game. All we need is a trigger! Some kind of spark. Some kind of conduit. Anything could set it off! Let’s say some foreign imbalance of gases enter the AT&T Stadium atmosphere. For example, Jerry Jones dressing up as a concessions vendor … selling a $7 hot dog in the stands, could trigger something! JJ does love money! We know this! It could emit some kind of super-human testosterone gas when he jubilantly sticks the tax-free cash in his pocket! Atoms smashing … neutrons and electrons flowing like a mofo! Then, you add this renegade molecule into the Jerry’s sealed off dome! Holy shit!!!
I sense some apprehension from you, the reader. Let me back myself up with some facts (or reasonable facsimiles). Governments have spent billions on super-conducting super-colliders. Clearly, there is something to this atom smashing thing! All the while, Peyton Manning’s brain cells have been on a superhuman evolution course all by themselves. Evidence has been present since his final days in Indianapolis. Since then, the blotch is getting bigger! It’s getting redder! It’s probably getting hotter! Did the Colts organization suspect and cover-up any of this? Note the devilish facial expression! Pure evil! The Colts moved on, mysteriously, and ended up with the franchise savior … Andrew Luck.
Then, there’s this. The year he disappeared! What’s up with that? Was he transported somewhere? Did he have intrusive or exploratory brain surgery? Was ‘something’ injected into his super brain? After all, he can read defenses! This is a superpower that no other NFL quarterback posses! We’d hear about it if other quarterbacks had this mysterious power!
Was he probed? If so, did he like it? Did they also capture Eli? Was his little brain gene injecting into Peyton skull? Think about it. Eli has struggled this year! Doesn’t seem quite like himself. Hmmmm.
Moving on. If my theory is right, stuff will happen “Under the Dome” on Sunday afternoon! AT&T has connections! AT&T is powerful too! Jerry Jones knows this! He accepted millions of dollars recently for the stadium naming rights! Jerry resisted other suitors for years! Called it Cowboys Stadium to throw us all off his grand scheme. Then, suddenly … in the same exact year that Peyton Manning’s superhuman, super-colliding, super-conducting brain was scheduled … pooff, we have a deal! Coincidence? I think not!
Now, for the meat of this article. I believe AT&T has sponsored Peyton Manning’s forehead. That’s right! You read it here first!
Manning is notorious for his commercial ventures! This is a fact that you cannot deny! I truly expect the AT&T logo to emerge from Peyton’s forehead. I don’t know if it’ll be neon, just saying … it’s happening! If you’ll just for once, rethink possible! Just look at the red splotch. It fits perfectly!
It could get worse. If the gases and molecules collide in some unthinkable combination, like never before … Peyton’s super-colliding super-conduction superhuman brain could merge with the telephone giant! Don’t be surprised if you see lightning come from Jerry’s huge stadium monitor and start the whole damn thing! There will be a BIG BANG! The stage is set. The world is watching. All of Peyton Manning’s thoughts (or his aliens leaders) will then be broadcasted on that big ass monitor! Inside, thousands upon thousands, of Dallas Cowboys fans fall victim. FOX’s conspiracy theorists will be in heaven! Your smartphone will actually get smarter! Jerry Jones will sell Peyton Manning super-colliding, super-conducting, superhuman brain t-shirts. (They’re probably already printed).
Dallas, with all of it’s might, have only one chance to foil this plan. The Dallas Cowboys must defeat the Denver Broncos! They can stop this madness! DeMarcus Ware must sack the superhuman and ground his super-colliding, super-conducting, superhuman brain to the brand new negative charging super-turf at AT&T stadium. Dez, on his way to the end zone, can throw a cup of Tom Brady’s neutron spiked Powerade on Peyton Manning’s forehead. Jay Ratliff could turn off the electricity to that big ass monitor! He’s not doing anything else, right? Denver has not played in a dome this season. Let’s hope someone opens the rooftop this Sunday! Just in case. This could neutralize the whole damn thing! A parody, of course.
Your comments (and theories) are welcome.
Updated 01-10-2014 …
The NFL’s Divisional Round in the playoffs start in a few days. As you are all aware, the ‘Polar Vortex’ that put a significant freeze on the United States this week has finally subsided. It left Niagara Falls partially frozen and wrecked havoc on the Wild Card weekend home teams. Only the domed Indianapolis Colts survived the first wave of playoff home contenders. This once-in-twenty-year weather phenomenon may NOT be a coincidence. I suspect that Peyton Manning’s superhuman, super-colliding, super-conducting brain was able to bring about this ‘timely’ weather event. Take note that Andrew Luck was one of the surviving playoff quarterbacks. He was protected by the Dome (and probably his far from groomed facial hair). Sets up an AFC showdown … pitting the hairy savior Andrew Luck against Peyton Manning arch nemesis … Tom Brady. The drama continues …
This photo of Peyton Manning surfaced today. Yes, his forehead is larger. Notice the emerging horns protruding upwards from his eyebrows … the snarl … and his piercing evil eyes. Peyton Manning mile-high forehead is gaining ground and super powers. His neck also appears to be getting longer. I’m not sure of the significance of that. Just an observation. Stay tuned.